My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
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The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
Not all heroes wear capes.
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.