My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
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*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.