My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.

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It’s that wonderful time of year again when the spiderwebs I’ve been too lazy to clean become functional decorations.


*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot


I’m not saying this one girl I dated in college wasn’t the sharpest tool in the shed, but she did say she thought it was the sweetest thing ever when I told her I still made ice cubes using my grandmother’s recipe


I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.


I tried to think of a funny caption for this but nothing could improve it


My neighbour’s dog wants you to know that bicycles are the devil’s tools or at least that’s the best I could discern his message.


ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful

HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was

ME: ok now i’m bummed again


Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish


Next wedding Im saying its a open bar but when u get there its going to be cash.Just b/c its a 3rd wedding doesnt mean u can skip it slacker


The girl that just walked by gave my dog a double take like she thought she might’ve gone to high school with him.