@KentWGraham

My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.

You Might Also Like

@MunkMania

I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.

@Bandersnaaatch

Enjoyed the Nutcracker tonight.
(The ballet, not my signature sex move.)

@U_Want_Shum_M8

Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery

@_xLNc

“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.

@Floatersfinest

I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’

@sarahclazarus

went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes

@JT_IV_

Men simply like to adjust their junk,
it’s not pocket science.

@Tw1tter_K1tten

Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.