My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.

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I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.


Enjoyed the Nutcracker tonight.
(The ballet, not my signature sex move.)


Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery


“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.


I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’


went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes


Men simply like to adjust their junk,
it’s not pocket science.


Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.