My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
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Who’s ready for Friday?!
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
What is going on? 😅
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before