@Average_Dad1

My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family

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@Storminika

You ever lied so much on a resume, you’re actually shocked that they gave you the job? I mean look at me, do I look like an astronaut?

@platinum2000

I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?

That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.

@mommajessiec

Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*

@sofarrsogud

Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.

Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.

*click

@theveganqueen

the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds

@MelvinofYork

I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.

@kumailn

Guys, please don’t judge someone based on stuff they wrote themselves in a public forum meant to reach the widest possible audience.

@bobbiejo448

Dora could get to her destination in half the time if Swiper were in prison where he belongs.

@KimmyMonte

i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon

@Fred_Delicious

[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]