My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
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I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
hear me out : pockets for your socks
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.