My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family

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You ever lied so much on a resume, you’re actually shocked that they gave you the job? I mean look at me, do I look like an astronaut?


I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?

That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.


Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*


Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.

Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.



the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds


I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.


Guys, please don’t judge someone based on stuff they wrote themselves in a public forum meant to reach the widest possible audience.


Dora could get to her destination in half the time if Swiper were in prison where he belongs.


i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon


[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]