My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
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Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
No. He’s not coming out to play
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion