My wife got upset when I asked her to take out the lavender scented trash bag, proving that lavender doesn’t have any calming effect

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Heard a guy talking about Belgian whistles.

“A basic website costs 10k, or 25k upwards if you want all the Belgian whistles,” he said.

Belgian whistles.


My son asked me to explain women to him, so I bought him an XBOX game for his Playstation.


Religious places never have free WiFi because no religion wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.


friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously

me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!


The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.


Me: what are you doing?

Daughter: playing with Michael.

Me: aw, I had an imaginary friend named Michael when I was your age too.

Daughter: I know.

Me: how did you know?

Daughter: Michael told me.


Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!


[digging through lost and found]

Target employee: What are you trying to find?

Me: My son