@Chhapiness

My wife got upset when I asked her to take out the lavender scented trash bag, proving that lavender doesn’t have any calming effect

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@BryceElder

Heard a guy talking about Belgian whistles.

“A basic website costs 10k, or 25k upwards if you want all the Belgian whistles,” he said.

Belgian whistles.

@ericsshadow

My son asked me to explain women to him, so I bought him an XBOX game for his Playstation.

@Soberphobiccc

Religious places never have free WiFi because no religion wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.

@JillianKarger

friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously

me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!

@MenMusings

The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.

@NewDadNotes

Me: what are you doing?

Daughter: playing with Michael.

Me: aw, I had an imaginary friend named Michael when I was your age too.

Daughter: I know.

Me: how did you know?

Daughter: Michael told me.

@toastymoe

Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!

@squirrel74wkgn

[digging through lost and found]

Target employee: What are you trying to find?

Me: My son