My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
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I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
let’s discuss
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars