@UncleDuke1969

My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.

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@canadian_egg

When you’re sad, hug a kid. But make sure it’s yours cuz that shit would be weird.

@MollyWoooo

One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.

@awescar

*rips finished page from adult coloring book*

*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*

@Bipartisanism

“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama

@SortaBad

The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle

@Davesub10S

Star Wars 7 is when they all realize that they are just Andy’s toys.

@iamspacegirl

[Wall Street]

ME: haha Hump Day, amiright?
HUMPTY DUMPTY *rolls eyes*
ME: eh? *nudge*
HD: Dude don’t-
ME: eh? *harder nudge* EH? Oh shit

@SkinnieTalls

It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.