My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
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had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
Time heals everything 🙂
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.