Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
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[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
I don’t wear tight skirts because I’m flirty, I wear tight skirts because they used to fit.
*eats another Oreo*
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence