@R_A_Dadass

My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.

You Might Also Like

@AlexvanBeek

Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”

@ArfMeasures

[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!

@Schindizzle

The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.

@ZoeLightly

I don’t wear tight skirts because I’m flirty, I wear tight skirts because they used to fit.

*eats another Oreo*

@gxmxxchxx

‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours

@AnkCoupleTO

Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-

Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!

@Marlebean

Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.

@KylePlantEmoji

[first day as a spelling bee judge]

Me: your word is Sarcasm

Him: can you use it in a sentence please?

Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence