Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
My wife has been helping my neighbor hook up his VCR for 3 hours now.
Starting to get suspicious…
What kind of monster still has a VCR?
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ENTRY-LEVEL JOB OPENING: Minimum 3 years exp required. Must speak 4 languages, have 2 Olympic medals & a reference letter from Barack Obama.
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
It’s unfair that throwing rice at couples is limited to weddings only
[magician rolls over in bed]
“Last night was amazing”
Woman: Magical. Make me breakfast?
Magician: [waves magic wand, eats her]
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum