Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
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about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.