@samfromks

My wife has been helping my neighbor hook up his VCR for 3 hours now.

Starting to get suspicious…

What kind of monster still has a VCR?

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@tonka_truk

Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs

@TheAndrewNadeau

My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”

@ShoutingGoddess

One day we’ll open Twitter & it’ll just say:

Thanks for playing! Hope you enjoyed this social experiment. Now apologise to your loved ones.

@ronnui_

I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.

@novicefather

I just steam cleaned my carpets and wondered how difficult a homicide would be to clean up.

@thepunningman

CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight

@ChrisThayerSays

I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.

@Social_Mime

I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.

@LlamaInaTux

you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.

@absolutemeh

A new study finds marijuana users are not more likely to have car accidents.

Mostly because they’re usually too high to find their cars.