@samfromks

My wife has been helping my neighbor hook up his VCR for 3 hours now.

Starting to get suspicious…

What kind of monster still has a VCR?

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@Beerhaze

Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!

@KevinFarzad

ENTRY-LEVEL JOB OPENING: Minimum 3 years exp required. Must speak 4 languages, have 2 Olympic medals & a reference letter from Barack Obama.

@michael_raphone

Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though

@badAzz_mom

If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.

@daplusk

It’s unfair that throwing rice at couples is limited to weddings only

@Mr_Kapowski

[magician rolls over in bed]
“Last night was amazing”

Woman: Magical. Make me breakfast?

Magician: [waves magic wand, eats her]

@iamburtjarvis

[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]

“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”

bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT

@prophethusband

breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds

lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water

dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also

@3sunzzz

WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!

~me, drunk, at a wax museum