@Phook75

My wife has been in the bathroom for almost 25 minutes.
Im basically a single dad now

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@TweetPotato314

wife: what’d the doctor say?

me: she said i gotta quit drinking

wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?

me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan

@kateegrayy

Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up

@AngryRaccoon2

My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.

@shariv67

They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.

@iwearaonesie

If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore

@PinkCamoTO

I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.

@Taryn_

Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes the reason is you’re a dumb ass and you make poor decisions.

@VodkaThursday

Next wedding Im saying its a open bar but when u get there its going to be cash.Just b/c its a 3rd wedding doesnt mean u can skip it slacker

@SaltyCorpse

Stranger: You look like you need a hug.

Me: No. That’s just my face.

@samalmightysam

You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……