My wife has been in the bathroom for almost 25 minutes.
Im basically a single dad now

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wife: what’d the doctor say?

me: she said i gotta quit drinking

wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?

me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan


Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up


My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.


They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.


If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore


I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.


Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes the reason is you’re a dumb ass and you make poor decisions.


Next wedding Im saying its a open bar but when u get there its going to be cash.Just b/c its a 3rd wedding doesnt mean u can skip it slacker


Stranger: You look like you need a hug.

Me: No. That’s just my face.


You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……