My wife has her period so I suggested swimming, beach volleyball and a horseback ride. She told me to piss off. Commercials are misleading.

You Might Also Like


“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”


I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.


She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.


Just saw a dolphin with a tattoo of a college girl struggling for individuality and freedom from her middle class parents


my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies


Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.

Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?

Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.


Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.


sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze


Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?


Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.

They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.