@awesomeseank

My wife has her period so I suggested swimming, beach volleyball and a horseback ride. She told me to piss off. Commercials are misleading.

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@brichie13

“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”

@ajax06

I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.

@juanadog

She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.

@ElizaBayne

Just saw a dolphin with a tattoo of a college girl struggling for individuality and freedom from her middle class parents

@OllyiConic

my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies

@AshleyFrankly

Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.

Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?

Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.

@3sunzzz

Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.

@murrman5

sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze

@TheBoydP

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?

@shanethevein

Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.

They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.