@wildethingy

My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.

Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.

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@Mirimade

If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.

@AbrasiveGhost

[Opens a beer at the park]

“Dude. There’s kids here.”

Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER

@PickleRudd

Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy

Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*

@portmanteauface

bathroom

– crude
– played out
– may not even contain a bathtub

lavatory

– sophisticated
– continental
– may contain lava?

@Traceylei2

You know those orange cones they put on the road for you to knock over? Totally just beat my previous high score.

@wit_haze

I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.

@dadmann_walking

Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.

@JohnnyCrash5

[First date & I’m super nervous]
Her: Are you ok?
Me: yesh.
Her: did u just say yesh?
Me: um Nosh.

@tonyhawk

At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”