My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
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“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.