My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
You Might Also Like
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
I identify as an antique shop.
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.