Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
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I was so surprised when he said those three little words to me: “You’re embarrassingly bad at math. This is over.”
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
I SAW ON THE NEWS THAT SOME GUY IN ANOTHER STATE DIED ARE YOU OKAY – my mom
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
dexters lab creator: ok so he’s a boy genius
creator: who hates his sister
executive: is that it?
creator: [sweating] and uh… has a made up accent for no reason that no one else in his family has
Two ads? IN A ROW? On this website that gives me access to all the music ever made? I won’t stand for it
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
Thousands of religions and you’re damned if you choose incorrectly? There must be people in Hell asking,”So! What religion are you in for?”
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist