My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
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I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.