@Social_Mime

My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.

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@Sassafrantz

I was so surprised when he said those three little words to me: “You’re embarrassingly bad at math. This is over.”

@Shen_the_Bird

[first day as a bartender]

customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner

me: [holding it] HEY

her: [looks up]

me: CATCH

@mishakey

I SAW ON THE NEWS THAT SOME GUY IN ANOTHER STATE DIED ARE YOU OKAY – my mom

@mayamanion

Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine

@captainkalvis

dexters lab creator: ok so he’s a boy genius

executive: ok

creator: who hates his sister

executive: is that it?

creator: [sweating] and uh… has a made up accent for no reason that no one else in his family has

executive: SOLD

@NicestHippo

Two ads? IN A ROW? On this website that gives me access to all the music ever made? I won’t stand for it

@seanforhire

you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.

@TySmithdrums

Thousands of religions and you’re damned if you choose incorrectly? There must be people in Hell asking,”So! What religion are you in for?”

@LizerReal

*demon enters my body

*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist