My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
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My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark