Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
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When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
Mornin
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!