@daemonic3

My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”

Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.

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@Jamberee13

I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.

@LackOfShame

16: I hate old people.

Me: That’s where you and I are different.

16: You like old people?!

Me: No, I hate everybody.

@RandomAntics

When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.

@KalvinMacleod

I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.

@P_o_n_k

BEAR: You tryna fight, bro?
SHARK: Just name a place
BEAR: Parking lot. 4 o’ clock. Come alone
SHARK: Like…like an underwater parking lot?

@HatfieldAnne

The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.

@MavenofHonor

On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.

@doguacate

*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*

*audience claps politely*

@BadJordon

Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.

@NotKarma

Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!