I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
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16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
BEAR: You tryna fight, bro?
SHARK: Just name a place
BEAR: Parking lot. 4 o’ clock. Come alone
SHARK: Like…like an underwater parking lot?
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!