@daemonic3

My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”

Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.

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@Lamalover2

Are you surprised at life in general or is that just the way you plucked your eyebrows?

@tsm560

I don’t argue with idiots on the internet. If you’re not within punching distance I’m not interested

@howe007

Women’s magazines:

Page 5: accept yourself for who you are

Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week

Page 12: best cake recipe

@iAmDelFreaky

Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.

Church is boring.

@zachv86

I will not mess up this omelet..

I will not mess up this omelet..

I will not mess up this omelet..

I will enjoy my scrambled eggs.

@Thee1_4U

My daughter just said that I’m the best dad she’s ever had. So I got that going for me.

@sageboggs

pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love

@AndrewNadeau0

No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.