I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
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People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
Close your eyes. Now imagine a peaceful meadow. That meadow represents your betrayal. I told you to close your eyes, but you kept reading.
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.