My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
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detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
Bed should get ready for ME
grotesque if literal: baby food
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread