My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”

Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.

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I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead


People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes


Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers

Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??



Son: Dad can sand melt?

Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t


The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.


Close your eyes. Now imagine a peaceful meadow. That meadow represents your betrayal. I told you to close your eyes, but you kept reading.


my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away


Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”


Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.

The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.