My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
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There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
Fights fire with marshmallows
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.