My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
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True embarrassment lies within your first email address
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
Social distancing in Australia:
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee