If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
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just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
Do not steal food from the science building!
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff