My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
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King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
Lmbo
I like crazy people until they notice me
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?