@IvoryGazelle
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
@GrantTanaka
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
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@IvoryGazelle
@LuckyPetDeals
RT if you know someone like this!!!
@PastorBate
Dear diary,
Sometimes it just seems like I can’t tell if something is an inanimate object or a person
My therapist: Yes that’s quite clear
@RocketRankoon
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
@daemonic3
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
@merrittk
i want a ghostbusters movie set in the immediate aftermath of the first one thatβs about regular new yorkers grappling with the knowledge that the soul persists past the death of the body, but sometimes you end up as a green monster man
@Marcmywords2
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
@SamGrittner
When a woman asks me how long I can last in bed I tell her it depends on how long someone brings me food and water but probably years.
@de2theJay
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.