My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
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Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr