My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
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them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.