My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
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I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
If you need a laugh.. 😅
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money