the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
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BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
They say women only use 10% of their anger
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
I drew y’all a little something.
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.