@hazelmotes1

My wife is all, “we love each other so much we finish each other’s sentences,” until it comes to a prison sentence.

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@ChuckGrassley

My local steak house serves nothing but vegetarian bc cows are vegetarian

@Brianhopecomedy

My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.

@avainwordland

It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.

@XplodingUnicorn

Wife: We need a new fridge.

Me: This is a terrible day.

Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.

Me: This is the best day of my life.

@sensual_dad

just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait

@philmann

Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich

@2tickytacky

I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.

@HoarseWisperer

I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.

@AnOrangeSNES

In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious

@KeetPotato

[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”