My local steak house serves nothing but vegetarian bc cows are vegetarian
My wife is all, “we love each other so much we finish each other’s sentences,” until it comes to a prison sentence.
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My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”