i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
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She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.