My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.

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Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious


I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.


Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.

The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.


Spank me once, shame on you.

Spank me twice, now we’re getting somewhere.


Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?

Her: Justice.


[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”

-Steve Harvey M.D.


Lady one “What’s the worse thing your husband has said during sex?”

Lady two “Honey, I’m home”


“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”


Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”


accidentally summoned a demon at IKEA by trying to pronounce the names of the furniture