My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
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Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
who wants to go expliring
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
Love thy neighbor’s dog
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out