@Cheeseboy22

My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.

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@cashbonez

Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious

@LizHackett

I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.

@CruisinSoozan

Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.

The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.

@me_all_over

Spank me once, shame on you.

Spank me twice, now we’re getting somewhere.

@AlmightyBored

Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?

Her: Justice.

@SteveSuckington

[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”

-Steve Harvey M.D.

@nicky_prada

Lady one “What’s the worse thing your husband has said during sex?”

Lady two “Honey, I’m home”

@Tommytoughstuff

“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”

@JennyJohnsonHi5

Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”

@gregmania

accidentally summoned a demon at IKEA by trying to pronounce the names of the furniture