I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
You Might Also Like
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
some girls have will power to get up an hour early for class to contour and sometimes I wonder if a shower is worth losing 20 mins of sleep
I want 2 kids just in case the first one doesn’t get enough likes on Instagram.
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…