My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
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Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
According to math, I’m broke
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.