@IntoxicaTweeted

My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.

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@Shen_the_Bird

me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk

terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet

me: what

terrorist: with sock

me: no

@KKAlThani

Laughter is the best medicine. Depression is the best food. Happiness is the best animal. I don’t know since we’re clearly making stuff up.

@cool_as_heck

ME: who’s a good boy!!

DOG: did you just misgender me you genderphobic heteronormative piece of shit

ME: what

DOG: bark

@bulls_horns

25% of twitter users are on medication for mental illness, which means 75% are running around untreated.

@neiltyson

Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.

@markleidner

each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it

@kwirkyKerri

Never underestimate a well placed “that’s what she said”. Unless your boss is standing behind you. Thanks for the heads up Michelle.

@AndrewNadeau0

No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.