My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.

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me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk

terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet

me: what

terrorist: with sock

me: no


Laughter is the best medicine. Depression is the best food. Happiness is the best animal. I don’t know since we’re clearly making stuff up.


ME: who’s a good boy!!

DOG: did you just misgender me you genderphobic heteronormative piece of shit

ME: what

DOG: bark


25% of twitter users are on medication for mental illness, which means 75% are running around untreated.


Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.


each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it


Never underestimate a well placed “that’s what she said”. Unless your boss is standing behind you. Thanks for the heads up Michelle.


No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.