My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
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Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!