@IntoxicaTweeted

My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.

My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.

- @IntoxicaTweeted

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@NewDadNotes

God: you have eight legs.

Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?

God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.

Spider:

God:

Spider:

God: also you have eight eyes.

@squirrel74wkgn

In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.

@ryaninco

God: I will create a being to cook, clean, serve and obey. Adam: what will it cost me? God: an arm and a leg. Adam: what can I get for a rib

@dumbbeezie

I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich

@Douchekevin

Girlfriend kept nagging me to take her home to meet my family, so I did. Her and my wife aren’t getting along.

@ddsmidt

When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.

I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.

@TheMichaelRock

We could completely eliminate car thefts by making every car alarm sound like Hillary Clinton’s laugh.

@bossy_bootz

Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind

Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’

Me : Be there in 10 min