My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
You Might Also Like
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
Not today
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
never ask a starfish for directions
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”