My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
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Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”