My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.

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“My door is always open.”

— World’s worst submarine commander


[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy


“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
*walks by stable*


I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created


[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks


Everyone’s a gangster until they touch something wet in the garbage


“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation


As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.


If you believe the home alarm commercials, the first thing burglars do when they break into your home is smash your family pictures.