My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
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We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.