@Brianhopecomedy

My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.

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@Mr_Kapowski

Me: Time for bed
Brain: Ok
Brain: PSST. EVER WONDER IF EARTH’S TECTONIC PLATES WON’T BE ABLE TO SUPPORT THE NUMBER OF PEOPLE ON EARTH?!

@RuinMyWeek

I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.

@KentWGraham

Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.

@Jarhead44

I’ll give you 10 seconds to take back what you said about my wind chimes.

@drinksmcgee

When I die, the only thing I’m worried about is the staggering amount of Golden Girls erotic fan fiction that my family will find on my computer.

@mynameisntdave

What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?

@Extranaut

Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.

@robwhisman

[swipes debit card] *would you like cash back?* yes [gazes at photo in wallet of steve jobs johnny cash & bob hope, whispers] yes i would

@sock_holliday

When I say books rule you say shhhh

Librarian:…

Me: BOOKS RULE

Librarian: SHHHH!

Me: BOOKS RULE

Librarian: SHHHH!

Me: awwww yeaaaah