My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
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me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
I was up all night reading about insomnia
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me