@Eagle_Vision: My wife is gorgeous, selfless, amazing, highly intelligent and looking over my shoulder as I type.
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@TheBoydP: Interviewer: Any questions? Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
@pissrifle: this is ur brain *an egg* this is drugs *a frying pan* this is ur brain on drugs *egg & frying pan wearing sunglasses*
@thedadvocate01: Me: I’ll have a medium coffee Barista: That’ll be $3.95 Me: With a splash of almond milk Barista: That’ll be $17.95
@AbbieEvansXO: Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it] Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it] Me on my deathbed: ANY day now