Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
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Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”