My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
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Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
There are no pants in heaven.
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
when nothing goes right… go left
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.