My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
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Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked