My wife is in a bad mood. I think her boyfriend forgot their anniversary. Way to go, dude. Now we all suffer…

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*Snoop walks into a classroom*
Snoop: Tell me about the Big Bong Theory
Teacher: It’s the Big Bang Theory
*Snoops walks out disappointed*


*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!


If you tell me you’re “a voracious reader”, I’m basically just picturing a dinosaur in my head


*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back


House Hunters:
We need plenty of space for entertaining, 62 bedrooms, a fully staffed Cheesecake Factory & a heliport. Our budget is $287.



Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …

*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*goes to hell*

Mom: Fish, honey!


Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.


Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.

Universe: Humble her.