Fluff me with a fork baby
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[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.