My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
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At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
British people be like I’m Bri ish
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man