My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
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“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.