My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
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I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope