@KentWGraham

My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.

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@LoriLuvsShoes

Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m pretty?
Cop: No
Me: Because I’m on Twitter?
Cop: No
Me: Officer I can do this all day

@GreeGreeHoist

If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo

@AudreyPorne

him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?

@mydmac

DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?

Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?

DM:

ME:hello…you there

@FredTaming

milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend

@Shen_the_Bird

girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird

me: ok

[later at the funeral]

me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence

@superdollman

Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.

@gibbet

As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..