My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
You Might Also Like
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
Big Sex has us all fooled
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment