@SladeWentworth

My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.

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@Brianhopecomedy

My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.

@JustMeTurtle

[My first day as a garbageman]

Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.

Me: Goddammit

@spacewizard_t

Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.

Friend: Who did?

Me: Yep.

@ramblinma

Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.

@Jordan_Morris

To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.

@jollyrobber

My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.

@ryan9billion

I liked watching squirrel soap operas unfold in my backyard right up until the damn neighbor cat murdered all the actors.

@BoomBoomBetty

Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet