My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.

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My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.


[My first day as a garbageman]

Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.

Me: Goddammit


Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.

Friend: Who did?

Me: Yep.


Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.


To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.


My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.


I liked watching squirrel soap operas unfold in my backyard right up until the damn neighbor cat murdered all the actors.


Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet