The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
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My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
Bummed that there’s no obvious place to insert a $ into my name.
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?