My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
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“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
Donkey Kong sommelier
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
I put the mess in domestic.
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….