My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
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My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
Optional boss fight.
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga