My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.

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I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’


Dear Gym,

I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…

I’m just using you to get into my own pants.


KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.


FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.

COP: How can you be sure?

GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.


[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.


Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.


I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…

Like a playa


Coworker: What’s twitter like?

Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.


There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.