@dshack8

My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.

You Might Also Like

@Quartzjixler

I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’

@LifeUnPinterest

Dear Gym,

I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…

I’m just using you to get into my own pants.

@truegritrumble

KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.

@Staggfilms

FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.

COP: How can you be sure?

GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.

@of_a_genepool

[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.

@MarcusTheToken

Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.

@Marlebean

I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…

Like a playa

@deedragonhunter

Coworker: What’s twitter like?

Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.

@DurtMcHurtt

There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.