I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
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I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.