My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
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if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.