My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
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If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
mood
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
Good dog. ❤️
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.